


The Drunk Lantern Incident

by fearnotthedemons



Series: 7 Day Fic Challenge [6]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Green Lantern (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Jason is a little shit, and alfred pennyworth can do no wrong, bruce is a Dad (tm), guest appearance by roy harper, hal gets drunk, welcome to the hot mess express
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 00:50:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13329996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearnotthedemons/pseuds/fearnotthedemons
Summary: Prompt: Hal Jordan drunk calls Bruce, but Jason picks up instead





	The Drunk Lantern Incident

**Author's Note:**

> I love one (1) man and his name is Jason Todd

Wayne Manor was stunning in almost every way. From its spiralling gothic architecture to its richly decorated interior, everything was kept tastefully theme-appropriate yet up to date. Everything, save perhaps the landline still in use.

The kids had tried to explain to Bruce multiple times that no one actually used home phones anymore, that all of their calls went to individual cell phones anyways. Tim even gave a presentation complete with flow charts and current data explaining how much money they were wasting on a landline hardly ever used, but to no avail. Bruce shrugged off the price aspect entirely (“We’re billionaires, Tim.”), and insisted that they’d always had a landline and would for the foreseeable future.

The kids knew they were out of luck as soon as Bruce pulled the Alfred card, next saying that their beloved butler liked having the landline around. Truth be told, Alfred had his own cell that he used more often, and probably wasn’t consulted on the matter, but once Bruce mentioned his name, any argument was as good as over. The debate was reluctantly left to rest.

  
***

  
Flash forward a few months and the landline was just as present and infrequently used, to the surprise of no one. It was a Friday night, and while most of the family was out on patrol, Jason had stopped by. Presumably this was to annoy everyone upon their return, but truthfully he and Alfred had put aside the evening for their monthly book club and baking meeting.

  
That month’s book was “The Great Gatsby”, and Jason had a _lot_ of questions. I mean, how could Gatsby be such a colossal idiot? Why didn’t Nick ever profess his painfully obvious love for Gatsby? Most importantly: How did Daisy last the entire novel without being slapped upside the face? There was no justice in the literary world either, apparently.

  
Alfred’s opinions were of a slightly less volatile nature, so he graciously let Jason air his grievances first. As the two prepped the kitchen for their cookies, Jason launched fully into his literary tirade. Arms full of cookie sheets gestured wildly in an attempt to convey the full extent of his disgust for the “new money” vs. “old money” dichotomy and just how pathetically Jay Gatsby bought into it, both literally and figuratively.

  
Mid-sentence, spit flying, passions high, there was a sudden interruption - the landline was ringing.

  
A split second of silence passed between them, and then before Alfred could do or say anything, Jason launched himself at the phone.

  
“Wayne Manor, how can we crush your soul today?”

  
Alfred’s intense look of disapproval did nothing to diminish the shit eating grin spread across Jason’s face.

  
From the other end of the line, a very drunk and very slurred, “Bruuuuce???” could be heard.

  
“This is he,” Jason uttered in his best Bruce Wayne/Batman impression. His smile was nothing short of maniacal now, much to Alfred’s dismay.

  
“Heeyyyy, buddy. Brucie. It’s your pal, Hal. Couldjyou…” the voice paused, clearly deep in thought. “I’m _not_ drunk. I just need a ride? I’m not drunk.”

  
“Hal?” Jason snorted in disbelief before remembering to change his voice. “I mean - ahem - Hal? You sound pretty drunk to me, Jordan. Might wanna cut back on the lady drinks. We all know you’re a total lightweight.”

  
“Am _not_!” came the immediate indignant response, causing Jason to chuckle. Apparently drunk Hal was just as pissy as sober Hal.

  
“Yeah, right. Anyways, I can’t come pick you up right now. Too busy.”

  
“Come on, Bruuuce!” Jason could practically hear the pout in his voice. “That’s not faair. They took my keys! They took my keys and no one else will answer me.”

  
Jason had to admit that as much as Hal grated on him, the guy definitely needed some help. The only question was how to do so while embarrassing both Hal and Bruce simultaneously.

  
Oh.

  
It was too perfect.

  
He couldn’t.

  
(He was going to.)

  
“Well, Jordan,” Jason began, eyes glinting with mischief. “How about this? You tell me where you’re at, and I’ll have someone pick you up. They’ll take you to the manor and you can spend the night, alright?”

  
“M’kay,” came Hal’s barely coherent response.

  
This was gonna be _so_ good.

  
As soon as he hung up with Hal, Jason began furiously texting. Within seconds his phone buzzed with a response. Whatever he saw made him smile up slyly at Alfred before continuing cookie preparations as though they had never been interrupted.

  
Alfred shook his head and went along with it. It was best to stay out of Master Jason’s schemes, whenever possible.

  
They were just starting their second batch of cookies when a loud knock came at the door.

  
“I’ll get it!” Jason called as he sprinted down the main hall. He was followed by a cautiously curious Alfred.

  
They arrived at the front door to see an incredibly drunk Green Lantern leaning heavily on a freckled redhead with a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

  
“Dude, you have got to send me videos of this shi--uh, sorry, hi Alfred--stuff,” said one Roy Harper, still flashing his Cheshire smile. “Bruce is gonna fu--I mean--freakin’ lose it.”

  
Alfred could go along with Jason’s shenanigans for the night, but him and Roy? Not happening. Luckily, he knew just how to get rid of the young man Jason fondly referred to as "Arse"-enal.

  
“Good evening, Mr. Harper. I trust you’ll drive home safely tonight?”

  
Images of the late-night joyride they had taken in a stolen batmobile last week flashed in both boys’ minds. Poor Roy remembered Alfred’s wrath with particular fear.  
Before Alfred could even give him one of his disapproving parental figure looks, Roy had hastily agreed to be safe, mumbled a lame excuse, and all but run away, leaving Jason and Alfred to deal with the drunk Lantern on their own.

  
Getting Hal up to bed wasn’t much of a challenge between Jason’s strength and Alfred’s professional butler skills, but they both knew that would be the easy part. Whenever Bruce discovered their guest would be when shit hit the metaphorical fan.

  
And hit the fan it did.

  
***

  
It was around noon the next day when Hal Jordan stumbled out of bed and down the stairs of Wayne Manor looking like hell. His hair was stuck up in every possible direction, he was wearing the same clothes he had gone out in the night before, and the dark circles under his eyes rivalled Tim’s on a bad day.

  
He rubbed his eyes blearily upon entering the unfamiliar kitchen (How many drinks did he _have_ last night?), and when Hal’s sight came back into focus he was confronted by his worst nightmare: Domestic Batman.

  
Bruce Wayne was standing in his kitchen adorned in an old t-shirt, plaid pajama pants, and a silk robe, munching homemade cookies while sipping coffee out of a “#1 Dad” mug.

  
It was every suburban mom’s wet dream.

  
Hal wanted to die.

  
In fact, given the murderous look in Bruce’s eyes, he was probably going to. He could see the headlines now: “Multibillionaire kills Hal Jordan in Cold Blood for Interrupting Peaceful Saturday Morning”. Or was it afternoon now? God, if Bruce didn’t end up killing him his hangover just might.

  
“What,” Bruce began in a strained voice, physically restraining himself from commiting a first degree felony in the kitchen, “Are you doing in my house?”

  
“Uh, honestly? I was gonna ask you.”

  
***

  
That Saturday was later dubbed the “Drunk Lantern Incident”, and resulted in the loss of Jason’s phone privileges and Hal’s dignity. All footage was deleted (to Roy's dismay) and all parties involved agreed never to speak of it again. The Wayne Manor landline was taken out a week later for "unrelated reasons". 

 


End file.
